Super Bowl 50 Recap

Man, that was a boring-ass game.

No offense, Broncos and Panthers fans. But that game sucked.

I was really looking forward to watching the Super Bowl. I’ve been generally less interested in football this year as I’ve had less free time and more projects going on in my everyday life. In some years prior to this one I have religiously watched every game every week and rotated Giants shirts based on which one seems to be “working”. This season, I barely scraped by in one fantasy football league and finished in last place in the one I co-commission. I had high hopes that last night’s game would reel me back in and remind me what it is that I love about the game of football.

Instead, I spent hours of my evening looking at things like this:


Yikes. If you didn’t watch the game or any of the commercials, I’ll explain: Mountain Dew graced us yesterday with the PuppyMonkeyBaby, which is literally one of the worst things I’ve ever seen in my life. The commercial got even more terrible when the PuppyMonkeyBaby climbed on top of a guy’s lap and licked him in the face. What hell did this thing crawl out of? I mean, I’m a nonviolent, caring person. But I want this thing dead. I want it out of my nightmares.

And can we talk about “Woo Guy”? (Better known as “Woo Man”, “Woo Dude”, or just plain “WOOOO”.) Like, check the social medias, CBS. DO something about this madness! As soon as someone mentioned him, I couldn’t un-hear it. At one point Damon and I just gave up and started harmonizing with his pre-snap WOOs.

Now, for a couple moments I did enjoy:


BEYONCE. SLAY, KWEEN. SLAY. I have nothing but love for Coldplay and Bruno Mars, but they cannot compare to #FORMATION, y’all. Beyonce killed it and I would not be at all disappointed if she played halftime at every Super Bowl forever.

This moment of brotherly love:


Damn, I love me some Eli Manning. Love him. And as a fan, I’ve come to expect nothing more than reactions like this. The man is a great football player and an all around good human being, but sometimes he’s got the facial expressions of a lobotomy patient. I think here, though — this is the face of a man who realizes he and his brother are about to be tied for Super Bowl rings.

And to end, Peyton did get his second ring (and, I believe, got to end his career on a high note). I was happy that someone as talented as him got to put a button on an amazing career. However, I was slightly disturbed by this:


The first interview he gives after the game, he says he wants to see his family. However, prior to seeing them, good ol’ Papa John gets a kiss on the cheek. Maybe this is what Eli was already feeling disappointed about? Wishing he were closer to the field so he could beat Papa to that first celebratory moment with his brother?

(And as a sidenote, this Papa character freaks me the fuck out. Where’d he get the nickname ‘Papa’? Wikipedia doesn’t seem to know. I can only imagine that he’s the type of person who gave the nickname to himself. Shifty son of a bitch. And why does it look like his head is always superimposed on someone else’s body in all his commercials? He’s hiding something, and I don’t like it.)

This combined with Peyton managing to twice advertise Budweiser in his post-game interviews made me want to punch something. Like, do the “I’m going to Disney World” thing and get it over with. No need for all this BS. He probably would have been better off just having Woo Guy yell “Budweiser!” instead.

Overall, I had more fun live tweeting the game than actually watching it. (IS THIS WHAT OUR SOCIETY HAS BECOME?) Worth watching for the Monday morning “Did you watch the game?” conversations if nothing else. Today everyone seemed to be in agreement on two main points: that a) the game was boring and b) PuppyMonkeyBaby is the worst thing ever created by humans.

Anyhoo, congrats to the Broncos, Peyton, and Papa.

I’m off to watch Cutthroat Kitchen on my SAMSUNG TELEVISION (Samsung pls contact me for endorsement payout).

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