I am so ridiculously excited that the Opening Ceremony of the 2016 Olympics is tonight. I mean it. I’m so wound up about this shit that I even remembered to wear my Olympics tank top from Old Navy. (Yeah, I linked to it. Fecker’s on sale for $10.45.)

2016 Rio Olympics
Yeah, I used your logo. Come at me, NBC.

Look — I know that Rio is clearly not the safest place for the athletes. I’ve read all the articles, and I think the sewage water and mosquitos and Olympic village and robberies and everything else is a goddamn mess. I completely understand that we should be awarding a gold medal in the sport of “Life” to the guy who disarmed a robber with jiu jitsu. I am in no way naive enough to believe that everything going on in Rio right now is beautiful and perfect.

But, it’s the Olympics. My fervor will not be deterred. Seriously — we only get them every 4 years. And it’s SPORTS! Nonstop sports for the next two weeks. I’m about to get so intense about rhythmic gymnastics. You don’t even know. And synchronized swimming and trampoline and archery and pole vaulting and…everything. I will become an expert in every sport for the next two weeks. I’ll converse for hours on a gymnast’s standing back handspring. Don’t worry, within a month it’ll all be gone again.

This is also one of the few times you’ll catch me being rather nationalistic. Not because I’m “USA USA USA” but more like “US US US”. I am thrilled to watch anyone achieve a goal they’ve been working toward since they were a little kid. I get a sense of accomplishment and pride by proxy.


Anyway, if you need me for the next couple of weeks, you can find me stationed in front of a TV or computer streaming all the everything. OLYMPICS!




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