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Ooooooooooweeeeee! What an episode this was! Much faster paced than last week, which was needed.

And now, the obligatory spoiler space:

I WAITED A WHOLE DAY

SPOILERS INCOMING

SPOILERS INCOMING

TRANSMISSION RECEIVED

Okay, that’s all you get.

This episode started out with Bran (Who’s that?), who we’ve not seen in over a whole season. Isaac Hempstead-Wright looks like he has aged about 15 years from the pre-pubescent boy that got pushed out a window in Season 1. But he’s back! And now logged in to weirwood.net via his tree root connection.

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He’s back in time, getting eyes on young Ned Stark and some upcoming plot points (Hi, Lyanna!). Walking, too! Magical. And check out “little” Hodor! He talks! I’m very hopeful they’ll show us more of his past in some of Bran’s upcoming visions.

We left Winterfell and the cave to head back to The Wall and Castle Black. They’re killing us and they know it, so are planning to drag this out as long as possible.

Davos isn’t much of a fighter, but he’s willing to do what he has to…over Jon’s dead body.

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Fortunately for him, our pal Edd has taken care of roping in the Wildlings (TORMUND!).Wun Wun plays paddle ball with an archer…and Jon is safe (-ish. I mean, he is already dead).

Next we make a quick jaunt down to King’s Landing. Some comedian is telling a fun story to some pals in a bar, which seems like a nice safe place to have a private conversation. But one thing they apparently don’t tell us about zombies is that they have super-hearing, and a certain purple-faced re-animated gentleman doesn’t take kindly to Momma Cersei being defamed.

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Ouch.

Jaime has a nice chat with Tommen while they stand over Myrcella’s body (stone eye covers still just as creepy as ever). Tommen has banned Cersei from attending the funeral because the High Sparrow won’t allow her in the Sept, and he doesn’t want her to get arrested again. He heads off to apologize to her because he’s a child and has literally no idea what he’s doing. (Why hasn’t anyone seemed to notice/mention that this entire thing is Cersei’s fault to begin with…?) The High Sparrow enters the Sept and he and Jaime have an awkward showdown, where Jaime decides he’d rather not fight all of the religious zealots at once. The High Sparrow lives to see another day.

Aaaand we’re back to Meereen. I could watch these guys sit around and chill for the whole hour (not true). Tyrion drops some knowledge bombs on the crew about *~dragons~* and how they shouldn’t be kept in captivity. Agree, T. Dany collaring up her babies is one of the saddest moments of the series for me, besides Lady getting killed in Season 1. (I was also sad when Ned died, but I have a soft spot for animals.)

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This was one of my favorite scenes of the episode. Tyrion tells an amazing heartfelt story about his childhood (love that they included this) and frees the sweet lil dragons. (Book readers – I have a feeling we were all losing our collective minds praying that this wasn’t how they worked Quentyn in to the story. Lucky for us, they left him out entirely.)

Not really sure why the dragons didn’t immediately fly past Tyrion and Varys on their way out. Maybe they’re just packing their bags. Got some burnt bones there in the back they don’t want to leave behind. Can’t wait to see Rhaegal and Viserion out and about soon, though.

Next we see our girl Arya, but she doesn’t see us. Or anything. Still. She won’t give up her ‘name’ to Jaqen. Even for food! We get it. She’s super cereal about her training. Can we get back to Castle Black?

No, we can’t. Time to follow a couple of sadistic assholes.

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Great news! New baby Bolton is born. Except like, about 5 seconds later, Ramsay takes out Roose. This came as a complete shock. I actually like Roose. I mean I hate him, but I like him. This seems like another one of those odd deaths in the series where they killed off a show character and the book character is going to be a hell of a lot harder to kill. I can’t really see Roose letting this happen, especially because we know Ramsay’s already taken out one sibling.

And so, Ramsay stabs Roose while a jerkoff Karstark looks on. Then, explains to the spectating Maester that Ramsay was poisoned. Next, he heads outside after calling poor, poor Walda to him.

I’m not putting an image from any of the following scenes in Winterfell. GROSS. I will say they had me going for a second there. She hands lil bb Bolton over to Ramsay and I thought, “Oh my god, he’s gonna throw that baby on the ground or in the fire.” But he didn’t, and for a bit I figured all was not lost. Until he lured Walda in to the dog kennels. GURL NO. NO! I mean, I can’t think she’d have gotten away but fuuuuuck don’t go in there.

We stop by Theon, Brienne and Sansa just long enough to hear Theon say he’s headed “home”. To PYKE! (Although some folks on the internet seem to think that might be a reference toward Winterfell…is he headed for revenge on Ramsay? Mayhaps.)

And here we are. Back with Balon, Yara (Asha) and the Ironborn. After a chat with Yara, Balon heads out for a quick jaunt along some DANGEROUSLY HIGH AND SWINGING ROPE BRIDGES between his castles. (It’s great to be a ruler, but like, shit. I’d rather have Harrenhall.) Also note that the rope bridges are wide enough to be crossed by only one person at a time.

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And what do you know, some hooded figure is blocking his path. IT’S MOFUGGIN EURON. EURON! We get one of his best book lines (altered, but it’s there), “from Ib to Asshai, when men see my sails, they pray”. Shortly after he appears, he kindly gives Balon a hand over the edge of that rope railing. For you non-book readers, just know that this was a loooooong time coming. Remember when Melisandre burnt dem leeches? And one of ’em was Balon Greyjoy? Yeah. Like, he should have died seasons ago. It was time.

And we’re getting the effing KINGSMOOT! So exciting. #TeamYara

AND THEN.

*MEANWHILE, AT CASTLE BLACK…*

Davos hits up his pal Melisandre for a miracle. Yes, pls. She reluctantly agrees. Cleans him up, cuts some head and beard hair (was srsly expecting her to go for pubes, but I guess the Lord of Light ain’t in to that kind of thing?) and says the words.

Melisandre is just as impatient as I am. She thinks her steps haven’t worked. She leaves.

And then.

THEN.

JON SNOW.

COMES BACK TO LIFE.

(via Giphy)

I *may* have jumped up and flail danced all over my entire living room, missing the ‘scenes from next week’ entirely. Look. Straight up. I didn’t even read this book immediately after it came out. But I read it a good while ago. Try 2013. I’ve been waiting NEARLY THREE YEARS to find out if Jon was coming back to life. I mean, I knew he would. But I didn’t know.

I still think things will happen differently in the books and look forward to reading them. But HOLY FUCK he’s alive! Anyone think he’s gonna be mega fucked up, Beric Dondarrion style? (i.e., Memory loss?) Wondering if he really will be as affected considering he was chillin’ inside Ghost the whole time. Sorry show-only peeps — Jon’s a warg. Oh yeah, so is Arya. You’re missing out on that bigtime. (Interesting note here — when Arya is going through this blind-stick-beating (training?), she actually wargs in to a nearby cat and uses its vision to see when she’s about to get hit. More fun, right?)

Cannot wait until next week and am thrilled they didn’t draw out Jon’s revival any longer. Mah boi is BACK!