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Well. This was an episode. The Door proved to be one of the biggest episodes of the season — some small consolation for the fact that the season is halfway over.

Damon and I bought a new giant TV this weekend which may have made the episode that much more intense. I’ll follow up on that later, when we finish fully KonMari’ing and redecorating our living room! Exciting.

Anyhoo–on to my spoiler space…

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All right! The episode began at The Wall again (which I’m starting to think we may not see much more of until the end of the season). Sansa got a letter asking her to head over to Mole’s Town to meet up with “Uncle” Creepo.

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His wannabe magician style has apparently given him the ability to teleport, because he made it from The Eyrie to Mole’s Town in like a minute. Seriously — even if the guy had 7 days to travel (i.e., between episodes), there’s no way he would have made it that far. Magic! He’s brought some good news for Sansa (if it’s true…if we’re anywhere near the book storyline, it is not) — her uncle, the Blackfish, has retaken Riverrun. Sansa, however, has had some time to think a bit about some questions she’d like to ask Mr. Baelish.

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Unfortunately for him, none of these are rhetorical. Sansa wants answers, and Littlefinger is not prepared to give them. It’s like some sick episode of Match Game. “Ramsay touched me on my (blank).” BWOMP do do do do do do do do BWOMP do do do DO do do do do BWOMP do do DO DO do do do do do do do DO DO DO DO DO. No green triangles for Petyr.

Quick jaunt over to The House of Black and White where Arya’s continuing her training. Another beating with a wooden dowel and Jaqen has decided she might be ready to take on another task. She’s sent off to give “the gift” to a local actress. And how lovely — as a nice break from getting beaten up, she gets to sit and watch a play.

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Unfortunately, the play happens to be a dramatization of her own life. A Redditor pointed out that she actually ended up playing her own part; there, in the audience; watching Ned Stark lose his head. You can tell she’s struggling seeing him portrayed as a bumbling idiot, but it’s probably very likely what common folk might have perceived of the entire situation.

Next up: backstage dick shot?! Gratuitous boobies in the play, no surprise. But a full-on, camera-filling, shot of a guy’s twig ‘n’ berries? Okay, fine, it wasn’t one of the main characters. And it had warts. Whatever. We’re getting there, guys! Equal opportunity nudity!

Arya feels conflicted about killing a woman who seems like a good person, but Jaqen reminds her that that death does not only come for the wicked. Is she Arya Stark, or is she No One? I suppose we’ll soon find out.

Time for a Bran vision! No, it’s not the Tower of Joy (sigh), but we’re getting to watch the creation of someone else…

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WHOA. Of course, the internet had all the info about book-related hints that the Children of the Forest had created the White Walkers. But…whoa. I hadn’t seen it coming, so this was pretty wild. Who the hell is this dude? And why the gag, is he a biter? Book canon indicates he might be a Stark. But who?

“Regrets so hard Night’s King wanna kill me, but first Walkers gotta find me.” -Leaf

(We’ll soon discover that’s not as hard as we thought it was gonna be.)

But FIRST, the KINGSMOOT! YEAHHHH! Team Asha/Yara!

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Theon gives a moving speech for his sister. Things seem to be going relatively well until ol’ Uncle Euron shows up and starts raving about murdering his brother and the size of his ween, which apparently is all it takes to get support from the Ironborn. These two cleverly take off with the fleet, which was probably a good idea, considering Euron admits shortly thereafter that he straight up wants to kill them.

This is super weird, because book Euron never admits to being involved in Balon’s murder, and he certainly doesn’t intend to kill these two. I think they might end up taking the place of Victarion, sailing across the Narrow Sea headed toward Daenerys. Kind of bummed at Euron’s characterization in the show, as his book character is pretty damn rad. Jury’s out for now, though.

Speaking of across the Narrow Sea…Daenerys is now leading her Khalasar. She takes a moment to thank Jorah and Daario for assisting in her rescue, and gets a glimpse of that nasty lookin’ rash Jorah’s got going on.

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This is actually a pretty great scene. Jorah gets to profess his love for Dany, and she sends him off on what’s most likely an impossible mission, one to find a cure for his Greyscale. It’s a tender moment between the two of them, and is giving him something to live for — the fact that he is invited to rule by Dany’s side.

Some folks online seem to think that he will take on another aspect of Victarion’s story, and have himself healed by one of the red priests. Moqorro seems to be missing completely from the show, which leads me to…

This new red woman.

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Is she a billion years old? Not sure. But Tyrion and Varys have brought her in to assist them in keeping peace in Meereen. And she’s got major dirt on Varys. Probably the first time we ever get to see him uncomfortable. This will be an interesting relationship to watch.

Our new gal believes Dany is Azor Ahai. The Princess that was Promised. Just goes to show — those flames are up to interpretation. (I choose to go with Mel on this, but mostly because I’m partial to Jon. Also, he’s like, come back to life? You may be fireproof, Dany, but you hain’t seen the nothingness.)

Bran, like any teenager in a dark cave filled with tree roots, gets bored and decides to find himself something to do. He hops into the past (?) and ends up under the same weirwood tree from before, covered in snow, and being stood over by an ominous looking army of wights.

Still not sure why, but he decides to walk in to them. Sure, they “can’t see you” or whatever but like gross dude, get out of there. No surprise, this ends up being a terrible idea.

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Turns out this guy can see ya, Bran. He grabs ahold of Bran’s wrist, leaving some major freezer burn. And once Bran returns, he gets the bad news — he’s ruined everything now. Nice one. All it took was that one mark, and now the Night’s King and other White Walkers/wights are free to enter their cave of solitude.

There are some theories out there that the mark on Bran’s arm will destroy the magic of The Wall and allow the Others to get through, where they once could not. That seems a little too simple to me. We shall see.

Back to Castle Black, where Sansa’s returned. She passes her newfound knowledge over to Jon as they make a plan on how to retake Winterfell. Sansa mentions a great book line, “The North remembers…” and I’m looking forward to seeing their meeting with some of the great houses in the coming weeks.

One odd bit — Sansa chooses to lie to Jon about her meeting with Littlefinger. I’m not quite sure why, and she doesn’t explain. It will be interesting to see how this plays out as well.

Also, to ease the whole mess of shit we’re about to get in to momentarily, D&D (David Benioff and DB Weiss) kindly give us a bit more Tormund & Brienne. #Tormienne #Briemund

(Source – check this HelloGiggles article. Adorbs.)

Too. Cute. Last note — the fact that Jon told Edd not to let the wall come down while he was away is basically proof that it’s gonna happen because a) irony and b) Edd. I’m sure it’s Bran’s fault, because everything is.

Remember how I said everything was Bran’s fault, and that he ruined everything? Welp, the Night’s King has found his way over to the cave. Leaf does what she can to put out a lil fire ring, which lasts for about 3.5 seconds before they just step over it and head on in.

Bran and the TreeMeister are busy, though, back in past Winterfell.

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Oh hai, Rickard Stark. There’s no time for you right now. I literally heard almost nothing that was going on in this flashback because I was too overwhelmed with what was happening in present day. Meera’s yelling at Bran to wake up, wake up!

The Night’s King is in the cave. Wights are coming in. Meera gets a good shot off with a Valyrian spear and takes out White Walker Fabio. TREE MAN GETS CHOPPED. He vaporizes from the past, but not before telling Bran to “listen to [his] friend”. Meera’s calling out to him. “Warg in to Hodor!” She needs help to get Bran moving.

And he does. They take off, Bran still in the past, but Hodor pulling the sled. Summer stays behind, and the wights overtake him. (Come the fuck on with this. Another direwolf this season? Fuggin’ cheapskates. I think this is all because the CGI is expensive. I have major doubts this will happen in the book.)

They’re running down a tunnel. Leaf suicide bombs some wights, holding them off just long enough for Meera, Bran and Hodor to reach a door at the end. It’s hard to open, but Hodor manages. Then, they push through. But the wights are coming.

Bran needs help. So, he takes Meera’s advice. He looks over at Wylis, and boom. Warg’d.

“Hold the door!” Meera is calling. Past Wylis is hearing it. “Hold the door!” he repeats.

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“Hold the door! Hold the door!” Wylis is seizing. Is he seeing his future death? Is the connection to the future/past frying his brain?

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“Hold the door! Ho de dor! … Hodor!”

Hodor is overtaken by the wights as Bran and Meera escape. Ouch. I was so taken aback by the entire thing I hardly had time to feel anything. Hodor is one of the few people that’s been around since the beginning. He’s practically a Stark at this point. I think that’s part of what makes his death so difficult.

But also — here he was, this normal kid, and Bran…basically used him. His entire life was for Bran. Did he sacrifice himself? Did Bran make that decision? It gets pretty dark, the longer you think about it.

What else has Bran affected or changed? If this whole thing turns out to be a Bran fever dream, I’m OUT.

 

Sheesh. Five epsiodes in and we’re down two direwolves (maybe?) and a Hodor. The season is halfway through and has been pretty rough thus far. Right now, I’m just looking forward to the Starks retaking Winterfell at some point. Please?