Man, what a week it’s been. Last night I was so tired I fell asleep during the #GOPDebate and tonight I’m still at the office.

Good time to start thinking about one of my million dream jobs: Professional Sports Team Mascot.

love mascots. I love everything about them. They have costumes. I mean, I guess, they are costumes. Big ones. Good ones. They’re hilarious. They can get away with anything.

When I was a kid, sometimes we’d go watch Houston’s indoor soccer team, the Houston Hotshots. The games were a lot of fun, but my favorite part — once a year, they’d do a mascot-themed halftime. They’d have 10 or so mascots come out and play soccer against each other.

Everyone was there. Mr. Peanut, Geoffrey the Giraffe, Captain Crunch. Those three I remember in particular, but there were tons of others. And they were just running all over the field. No one could see a damn thing, and the mascots playing goalie struggled to even move enough to block a shot. But they hardly had to, because the ball almost never got down there. It just floated around while everyone chased it.

Anyway, I remember Mr. Peanut had an advantage because his costume left his legs free for running. Geoffrey the Giraffe couldn’t really see — and I remember this because, specifically, one year Captain Crunch’s head fell off, and Geoffrey thought it was the ball. He kicked it halfway down the field before the Cap’n managed to get it back on. It was just…amazing. There’s nothing I can describe that can do it justice.

Never mind. I just found this on Youtube:

It was like this, but they were playing with a regular sized ball, so they couldn’t see a fucking thing.

And — about this video — WTF is that Best Buy tag? I think it’s my favorite. RUN, Best Buy! Get the ball! Holy shit. I can’t stop watching this and laughing. Lemonhead taking a spill. Best Buy kicking his leg 10 feet in the air and missing the ball. And, hey, quit touching it with your hands, cheaters! Damn. This was the glory of mascot soccer. I don’t even know who half of these mascots are. Some of them are scary.

Oh man. I am literally laughing so hard I’m crying. As I said, I’m at work right now and my coworker Tim is like, “Wow. I’ve never seen someone lose it over mascots like this. I like ’em, but you like, love ’em.

It’s true. God, I love mascots. I want to be a mascot so badly. How do you even get a job as a mascot? Someone help me. Please.

Ooh, ooh, and here’s a classic MASCOT FAIL:


And look, here’s the thing. I just realized there are more videos of mascots playing soccer on Youtube, so now I have to watch them all. Sorry.


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