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Funny, Life


I have to share a story — a year in the making, but I just found a photo and needed to get this out there.


Let me begin by telling you, humbly, that I am fantastic at finding weird shit on the internet. Like, unnaturally good at it. On an old business card, I had my actual real-life job title, and beneath it, listed: First-Rate Internetter. And I still consider it true. If there was actually a job you could get just browsing the web for oddities, I would be the best at it. (Hi, Buzzfeed!)

Also, I’m a sucker for a story. A BIG OL’ SUCKER. Also also, I have a Bachelor’s degree in History and am obsessed with all things historical.

Okay. I think that about gets you through the important stuff.


Now. Onto the tale.


If you follow me on Instagram, you’ll know that I put together some Newt Scamander cosplay for this year’s C2E2. It turned out great. If you’ve forgotten (or don’t know) who that is, here’s a picture:


He’s the main character from Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them,Harry Potter spinoff/prequel. In preparation, I spent the better part of the day scouring the web for pieces to the costume. The coat, the suit, the vest, and the case.

eBay had a lot of cool vintage suitcases, as well as Etsy. So, I tabbed out about 50 of them (admitted tab fiend), and started clicking through.


I found one I thought was particularly cool. It wasn’t quite right for the cosplay, because of the stickers…but maybe I could work around it. I flipped through the available photos. Outside, it was not in bad shape.

Inside: Clean.

And then, I saw it.




I laughed. And laughed. Then shared it with everyone I knew and we all had a laugh about it.


Then, I had a thought. I had to know…I Googled “sir alfred butt bart”. And then, things got crazier.



To stop you from having to read his entire Wikipedia page, his name is actually Alfred Butt. He was knighted, and BART is an abbreviation for Baronet. It’s Sir Alfred Butt, Bart. (Now I can see the punctuation properly on the trunk, as well.)

So I started reading more about Sir Butt. Turns out he was really in to race horses, and was actually a British MP! And look at the name of the place he represented…









So, um, I bought it.

I bought Sir Alfred Butt, Baronet,’s suitcase.


I couldn’t help it. I had to have it. Butt. Tooting. HISTORY.


I’m off to put some junk in Butt’s trunk. The internet wins again.


Funny, Life, Shopping

The 7 Most Ridiculous Amazon Prime Day Sales

Well, it’s that time of year again! Amazon is doing some spring cleaning and is pulling out ALL THE STOPS to get us to buy shit from their cruddy garage sale. That’s right, it’s PRIME DAY!

Amazon has literally gone into the depths of their warehouse to dig out items covered in cobwebs and generations of dust bunny families and sell them to you (yes, you) at a tremendous (-ish) discount. Here are 5 items I’m certain you definitely have a use for but didn’t even know you needed. So get to it!


1. AmScope PS25 Prepared Microscope Slide Set for Basic Biological Science Education, 25 Slides, Includes Fitted Wooden Case



Who doesn’t need a set of microscope slides? I see in the title here it reads “for Basic Biological Science Education”, but what’s more educational than checking out the moldy science experiment you’re growing on the bag of shredded cheese that somehow got pushed to the back of your fridge? Don’t forget your microscope, either!


2. CPR Call Blocker V202 1200 Number Capacity Block Telemarketer Calls, Solicitor Calls, Junk Faxes


Yes, that’s the exact listing title for this wonder of technology. There’s little you need more in life than to block unwanted callers on your trusty analog home phone line. With a gorgeously designed UI and a giant red “BLOCK NOW” button, I hope you’ll not forget about us plebes left behind in the 21st century.


3. MaxBrew 24K GOLD Keurig Accessories (1) Single K-Cup Reusable (1) K-Carafe Reusable (3) Premium Water Filters for Keurig 2.0 – The Ultimate Accessory Pack

What better way to cement your status as a member of the bourgeoise than with your 24 karat gold k-cup brewer? The one thing this has against you is that it’s reusable, but at a price like this, they might as well be disposable. Buy 365 and toss them until next year’s PRIME DAY!


4. Bestway Lay-Z-Spa Miami Inflatable Hot Tub


This is for those of you considering having Pop-Pop in the attic (the mere fact that I’m calling it that tells you I’m not ready). Also, this seems like the perfect item to have delivered to your office so they can hold it in the mail room until you’re ready to bear hug it on to mass transit during rush hour.


5. HYDRA SmartBottle – BPA-FREE Water Bottle, Bluetooth Speaker with Speakerphone, 4000 mAh Power Bank Charger, Multicolor LED Light – Free Android and iPhone App


You know that person on the train who’s listening to music but “forgot” his headphones? Or for you more suburban types, when you’re in the grocery store and someone’s got their significant other on speakerphone because they forgot their list, and somehow end up following you row after row after row? Well, now you can be that person. And, stay hydrated in the process. Take this to the gym.  People will love it.


6. Cleaing Heavy Duty Non Slip Machine-made Disposable Shoe Covers with Tread Pattern and Strip on Sole 100 Piece



Mom’s no-shoes-in-the-house rule is finally in full swing. And, if you can’t remember to take your shoes off, you can either a) wear these all day long and remove them when you get home (yes, that means you have to wear them to school) or b) put these on before you walk through the door. And yes, that means your friends, too.


7. API Pondcare Master Liquid Test Kit



Does this test for lead? Asking for an American friend.

8. BONUS: Amazon Echo

You’re not a true American unless you purchase a plastic idol to worship. And what better than a cylinder that actually speaks to you, can answer questions about the weather, and adjust the temperature and music in your house? (I’ve made my choice. I actually bought one of these and will report back on whether or not I become (more of) a self-righteous douchecanoe.)


Well, what are you waiting for? Get over to Amazon and stock up! Happy Amazon Prime Day!


Long Week, Long Weekend

Phew. This long-ass week has culminated in a long-ass weekend. Aaand it’s already basically over. Time to go back to the grind.

I’m not really feeling up to composing a post this weekend, so I’ll just leave you with a fun Vine my brother shared with me today:


Funny, Life


Man, what a week it’s been. Last night I was so tired I fell asleep during the #GOPDebate and tonight I’m still at the office.

Good time to start thinking about one of my million dream jobs: Professional Sports Team Mascot.

love mascots. I love everything about them. They have costumes. I mean, I guess, they are costumes. Big ones. Good ones. They’re hilarious. They can get away with anything.

When I was a kid, sometimes we’d go watch Houston’s indoor soccer team, the Houston Hotshots. The games were a lot of fun, but my favorite part — once a year, they’d do a mascot-themed halftime. They’d have 10 or so mascots come out and play soccer against each other.

Everyone was there. Mr. Peanut, Geoffrey the Giraffe, Captain Crunch. Those three I remember in particular, but there were tons of others. And they were just running all over the field. No one could see a damn thing, and the mascots playing goalie struggled to even move enough to block a shot. But they hardly had to, because the ball almost never got down there. It just floated around while everyone chased it.

Anyway, I remember Mr. Peanut had an advantage because his costume left his legs free for running. Geoffrey the Giraffe couldn’t really see — and I remember this because, specifically, one year Captain Crunch’s head fell off, and Geoffrey thought it was the ball. He kicked it halfway down the field before the Cap’n managed to get it back on. It was just…amazing. There’s nothing I can describe that can do it justice.

Never mind. I just found this on Youtube:

It was like this, but they were playing with a regular sized ball, so they couldn’t see a fucking thing.

And — about this video — WTF is that Best Buy tag? I think it’s my favorite. RUN, Best Buy! Get the ball! Holy shit. I can’t stop watching this and laughing. Lemonhead taking a spill. Best Buy kicking his leg 10 feet in the air and missing the ball. And, hey, quit touching it with your hands, cheaters! Damn. This was the glory of mascot soccer. I don’t even know who half of these mascots are. Some of them are scary.

Oh man. I am literally laughing so hard I’m crying. As I said, I’m at work right now and my coworker Tim is like, “Wow. I’ve never seen someone lose it over mascots like this. I like ’em, but you like, love ’em.

It’s true. God, I love mascots. I want to be a mascot so badly. How do you even get a job as a mascot? Someone help me. Please.

Ooh, ooh, and here’s a classic MASCOT FAIL:


And look, here’s the thing. I just realized there are more videos of mascots playing soccer on Youtube, so now I have to watch them all. Sorry.


Funny, Health & Beauty, Life

Coconut Oil

Sunday night I put coconut oil in my hair as a moisturizer.

My hair is wavy/curly and the ends tend to be pretty dry. Claire told me she uses coconut oil in her hair sometimes, so I thought I’d go for it. Mine’s been especially bad this winter because of how long it is.

Here’s a picture online of how you’re apparently supposed to put coconut oil in your hair, which I found while Google Image Searching “coconut oil in hair” tonight (you’ll soon understand why I have no pics of my own):


I, however, make my own rules and think I’m too good for the internet and its instructions. I dropped the jar in the bath with me to heat it up, then poured the jar on my head and grabbed handfuls out to coat the rest of my hair. Since I didn’t have a shower cap, I stuffed my hair into a gallon-sized Ziploc bag and then pulled it on to my head. It fit surprisingly well.

I let it sit for around 40 min or so, then washed my hair twice in the shower and hopped out to let it air dry. I kept running my hands through what I expected to be a tactile Vidal Sassoon commercial, but for some reason they just kept feeling slimy.

After a bit, I told Damon, “It looks wet. I think I did this wrong.” He said, “Hon, it’s fine, just let it dry.” So I sat on the couch for an hour or so while we watched TV. Then I showed it to him again. “It’s dry now, and I don’t think it looks better. Maybe I’ll just wear a hat tomorrow.” He touched my hair, then showed me his greasy hand. “You’re gonna have to wash it again. It’s bad.”

You know that phase that everyone went through in the late 90’s where they’d put all that gel in their curly hair and just “scrunch” it? So it was like stiff as hell and crunchy all day? Wait, are some of you still doing this? Whoops. It looks great. NEVER CHANGE. Ahem. Anyway, mine looked like that, except instead of stiff, it was oily. I looked like Medusa, but with grease snakes.

So I washed it again, leaned over the tub, my million pounds of hair upside down while I scrubbed the shit out of it. I’m pleased to report our handheld shower head did not manage to get out of my control and spray me in the face. I let it air dry a second time, AND…FINALLY it turned out lovely! 10/10, would dump coconut oil all over my head, wear a Ziploc bag and wash my hair a minimum of 3 times again.

Also my back got coconut oil all over it while my hair dried so some of my skin got moisturized too. #health #healthtips #moist*


*Worst word.




I’ll be live tweeting the Democratic Town Hall on CNN tonight, so come join me on Twitter.

Or, get this stuck in your head instead:


Friday Funnies

I’m about to order GrubHub and play Smite all evening while Damon works on his Minecraft server. FRIDAY, Y’ALL!

I thought I’d leave you with one of my favorite YouTube videos this evening. Classic.


Touch Tha Fishy

Long day, long evening.

I lack energy; I can provide you only with an opportunity to touch tha fishy.

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