I have to share a story — a year in the making, but I just found a photo and needed to get this out there.

Let me begin by telling you, humbly, that I am fantastic at finding weird shit on the internet. Like, unnaturally good at it. On an old business card, I had my actual real-life job title, and beneath it, listed: First-Rate Internetter. And I still consider it true. If there was actually a job you could get just browsing the web for oddities, I would be the best at it. (Hi, Buzzfeed!)

Also, I’m a sucker for a story. A BIG OL’ SUCKER. Also also, I have a Bachelor’s degree in History and am obsessed with all things historical.

Okay. I think that about gets you through the important stuff.

Now. Onto the tale.

If you follow me on Instagram, you’ll know that I put together some Newt Scamander cosplay for this year’s C2E2. It turned out great. If you’ve forgotten (or don’t know) who that is, here’s a picture:

He’s the main character from Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them, a Harry Potter spinoff/prequel. In preparation, I spent the better part of the day scouring the web for pieces to the costume. The coat, the suit, the vest, and the case.

eBay had a lot of cool vintage suitcases, as well as Etsy. So, I tabbed out about 50 of them (admitted tab fiend), and started clicking through.

I found one I thought was particularly cool. It wasn’t quite right for the cosplay, because of the stickers…but maybe I could work around it. I flipped through the available photos. Outside, it was not in bad shape.

Inside: Clean.

And then, I saw it.

SIR. ALFRED. BUTT BART.

GUYS. IT SAYS BUTT.

BUTT.

I laughed. And laughed. Then shared it with everyone I knew and we all had a laugh about it.

Then, I had a thought. I had to know…I Googled “sir alfred butt bart”. And then, things got crazier.

HE’S REAL. ALFRED BUTT BART IS REAL AND HE’S A SIR.

To stop you from having to read his entire Wikipedia page, his name is actually Alfred Butt. He was knighted, and BART is an abbreviation for Baronet. It’s Sir Alfred Butt, Bart. (Now I can see the punctuation properly on the trunk, as well.)

So I started reading more about Sir Butt. Turns out he was really in to race horses, and was actually a British MP! And look at the name of the place he represented…

*DIES*

BUTT. MP OF TOOTING. I CANNOT.

So, um, I bought it.

I bought Sir Alfred Butt, Baronet,’s suitcase.

I couldn’t help it. I had to have it. Butt. Tooting. HISTORY.

I’m off to put some junk in Butt’s trunk. The internet wins again.

BERNIE! 🔥 #FeelTheBern 🔥

This is the only thing I’m proud of today:

Man, what a week it’s been. Last night I was so tired I fell asleep during the #GOPDebate and tonight I’m still at the office.

Good time to start thinking about one of my million dream jobs: Professional Sports Team Mascot.

I love mascots. I love everything about them. They have costumes. I mean, I guess, they are costumes. Big ones. Good ones. They’re hilarious. They can get away with anything.

When I was a kid, sometimes we’d go watch Houston’s indoor soccer team, the Houston Hotshots. The games were a lot of fun, but my favorite part — once a year, they’d do a mascot-themed halftime. They’d have 10 or so mascots come out and play soccer against each other.

Everyone was there. Mr. Peanut, Geoffrey the Giraffe, Captain Crunch. Those three I remember in particular, but there were tons of others. And they were just running all over the field. No one could see a damn thing, and the mascots playing goalie struggled to even move enough to block a shot. But they hardly had to, because the ball almost never got down there. It just floated around while everyone chased it.

Anyway, I remember Mr. Peanut had an advantage because his costume left his legs free for running. Geoffrey the Giraffe couldn’t really see — and I remember this because, specifically, one year Captain Crunch’s head fell off, and Geoffrey thought it was the ball. He kicked it halfway down the field before the Cap’n managed to get it back on. It was just…amazing. There’s nothing I can describe that can do it justice.

Never mind. I just found this on Youtube:

It was like this, but they were playing with a regular sized ball, so they couldn’t see a fucking thing.

And — about this video — WTF is that Best Buy tag? I think it’s my favorite. RUN, Best Buy! Get the ball! Holy shit. I can’t stop watching this and laughing. Lemonhead taking a spill. Best Buy kicking his leg 10 feet in the air and missing the ball. And, hey, quit touching it with your hands, cheaters! Damn. This was the glory of mascot soccer. I don’t even know who half of these mascots are. Some of them are scary.

Oh man. I am literally laughing so hard I’m crying. As I said, I’m at work right now and my coworker Tim is like, “Wow. I’ve never seen someone lose it over mascots like this. I like ’em, but you like, love ’em.”

It’s true. God, I love mascots. I want to be a mascot so badly. How do you even get a job as a mascot? Someone help me. Please.

Ooh, ooh, and here’s a classic MASCOT FAIL:

THAT TAIL THO.

And look, here’s the thing. I just realized there are more videos of mascots playing soccer on Youtube, so now I have to watch them all. Sorry.