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Well, it’s that time of year again! Amazon is doing some spring cleaning and is pulling out ALL THE STOPS to get us to buy shit from their cruddy garage sale. That’s right, it’s PRIME DAY!

Amazon has literally gone into the depths of their warehouse to dig out items covered in cobwebs and generations of dust bunny families and sell them to you (yes, you) at a tremendous (-ish) discount. Here are 5 items I’m certain you definitely have a use for but didn’t even know you needed. So get to it!

1. AmScope PS25 Prepared Microscope Slide Set for Basic Biological Science Education, 25 Slides, Includes Fitted Wooden Case

Who doesn’t need a set of microscope slides? I see in the title here it reads “for Basic Biological Science Education”, but what’s more educational than checking out the moldy science experiment you’re growing on the bag of shredded cheese that somehow got pushed to the back of your fridge? Don’t forget your microscope, either!

2. CPR Call Blocker V202 1200 Number Capacity Block Telemarketer Calls, Solicitor Calls, Junk Faxes

Yes, that’s the exact listing title for this wonder of technology. There’s little you need more in life than to block unwanted callers on your trusty analog home phone line. With a gorgeously designed UI and a giant red “BLOCK NOW” button, I hope you’ll not forget about us plebes left behind in the 21st century.

3. MaxBrew 24K GOLD Keurig Accessories (1) Single K-Cup Reusable (1) K-Carafe Reusable (3) Premium Water Filters for Keurig 2.0 – The Ultimate Accessory Pack

What better way to cement your status as a member of the bourgeoise than with your 24 karat gold k-cup brewer? The one thing this has against you is that it’s reusable, but at a price like this, they might as well be disposable. Buy 365 and toss them until next year’s PRIME DAY!

4. Bestway Lay-Z-Spa Miami Inflatable Hot Tub

This is for those of you considering having Pop-Pop in the attic (the mere fact that I’m calling it that tells you I’m not ready). Also, this seems like the perfect item to have delivered to your office so they can hold it in the mail room until you’re ready to bear hug it on to mass transit during rush hour.

5. HYDRA SmartBottle – BPA-FREE Water Bottle, Bluetooth Speaker with Speakerphone, 4000 mAh Power Bank Charger, Multicolor LED Light – Free Android and iPhone App

You know that person on the train who’s listening to music but “forgot” his headphones? Or for you more suburban types, when you’re in the grocery store and someone’s got their significant other on speakerphone because they forgot their list, and somehow end up following you row after row after row? Well, now you can be that person. And, stay hydrated in the process. Take this to the gym.  People will love it.

6. Cleaing Heavy Duty Non Slip Machine-made Disposable Shoe Covers with Tread Pattern and Strip on Sole 100 Piece

Mom’s no-shoes-in-the-house rule is finally in full swing. And, if you can’t remember to take your shoes off, you can either a) wear these all day long and remove them when you get home (yes, that means you have to wear them to school) or b) put these on before you walk through the door. And yes, that means your friends, too.

7. API Pondcare Master Liquid Test Kit

Does this test for lead? Asking for an American friend.

8. BONUS: Amazon Echo

You’re not a true American unless you purchase a plastic idol to worship. And what better than a cylinder that actually speaks to you, can answer questions about the weather, and adjust the temperature and music in your house? (I’ve made my choice. I actually bought one of these and will report back on whether or not I become (more of) a self-righteous douchecanoe.)

Well, what are you waiting for? Get over to Amazon and stock up! Happy Amazon Prime Day!